Posts Tagged ‘Kinky stuf

01
Mar
10

Gun Play

Just thought I’d put that right out there. I should probably stick a WARNING right here: This post talks about GUNS. and SEX. at the SAME TIME. in a mostly NON-EXPLICIT theoretical manner. If this is a huge problem for you, skip this entry. If not, read on, because this was kind of a breakthrough realization for me.

FWIW: It still even has the orange safety tip.

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It’s not the uncertainty that turns me on — quite the opposite. If there was any uncertainty, I wouldn’t play like that with the Captain. Is it loaded? Is it empty? Irrelevant — I trust him to not shoot me. The fear is just a visceral, visual reaction to the gun-shaped piece of metal and plastic.

It’s the balance between absolute trust and irrational terror, standing perfectly balanced on the ledge between two precipices, that makes it arousing. Trust by itself is nice, fear by itself is unpleasant; it’s their combination that turns me on.

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I didn’t know whether he had just emptied the clip or filled it, but the loaded/not questions didn’t even enter my mind. I was just doing, just reacting. I don’t know if I can put into words what I was thinking, but I know I liked it and I want to do it again.

There may or may not be strings here to form v. content and/or romantic-grotesque. I’m tempted to expand into theory but… I think I need more practice first :3

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16
Jun
09

Kinks and Shrinks

I will freely admit that I can be pretty disparaging of the mental health profession. (I have nothing against psychologists, I just don’t agree with psychologist politics.) I’m generally just stubborn about accepting help. But, the dislike of shrinks specifically is partly thanks to a bad experience with the guidance counselor in high school. Most of the reason is, I just can’t assign legitimacy to something that is a conglomeration of unverifiable hypotheses, with guidelines decided by majority vote, and interpretive standards of care that haven’t been updated in decades in some cases, that are so frequently used and abused to brainwash people into behaving a certain way — such as into being straight, into being cisgender, into being vanilla…

People who are by normative definitions mentally healthy are privileged because of it, and it’s not just the mostly noticeable ones that cause markedly different behaviour. How often have you heard “Oh, she’s just bipolar.” “*sigh* He’s off his meds again…” or my favorite, “It’s obvious to me that you can’t run you life the way you need to (read: ‘the way I do’ or ‘the way I think you should’). I think you need professional help.” By DSM definitions, I’m quite likely borderline on their pathological version of masochism (If they do remove the “cause significant distress or functional impairment” bit in the upcoming revision, as there have been rumors of. See this article, although it is NARTH, so reader beware), possibly compulsive, and dissociative in relation to gender dysphoria. And ‘Gender Identity Disorder’ being in the DSM… it’s a hormone imbalance, not a mental issue, ok? If the only effective treatment is by physiological means (hormones and surgery), it’s a medical condition! I get sad when I have the flu. That doesn’t mean I go to a shrink for three months to get some fucking Ibuprofen.

Moving on.

A notable exception I’ve found to this is one of the counselors at the University, Niceguy, who is in fact GLBTQ- and K-friendly, argues with the DSM, avoids medicating people, tries to get people to help themselves instead of imposing help on them, and comes and talks with people at the GLBTQOrg when we have planned discussions about mental health and the queer community. Niceguy and Superprof are two of the academic inspirations for another project (concurrent with Tranny 101) on anti-BDSM bias in the mental health profession. This may take the form of a literature review (publication has been suggested by Superprof, in whose class this idea spermed as a final project. Big starry-eyed hopes, I has them) or eventually a larger work. A related component is a “Here’s How to Talk About Kink” reading list to give to Niceguy and coworkers in the student counseling office. Small-scale quiet sort of activism.

Sidenote: APA Standards 2.01 (b) and (c): If a mental health professional doesn’t know enough about a client’s problem, it is the professional’s responsibility to either educate themselves, or refer the client to someone who can appropriately treat them, or a couple of other alternatives, none of which include claiming knowledge they don’t have or unnecessarily pathologizing something that’s just a little different. It is not the client’s responsibility to educate someone whom they are paying for help. (Full text of the Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct here.)

05
Jun
09

Listamania!

I’ve been trying to fill out a “BDSM Activities” checklist for a while. It has a big long list of activities, with a yes/no field and a rating system, 1 being a hard limit and 5 being please yes now kthx. I started it while still attached to an ex (at which point I was in a dominant position) and decided to start it up again after getting together with the Captain, so now there’s two copies of it for different power dynamics.
I thought it would be a good idea, since I love lists, and it was fun to fill out. Of course some of my ratings are weird (“Crossdressing” got a rating of LOL, because I have no idea what would count any more) and a lot of them are physically impossible (much as I’d love to try CBT… the plumbing just ain’t there 😦 ) and knifeplay got a 7.5.
…aaaand I haven’t touched it since.
I mean, I guess I could plonk it in front of the Captain with a “Here you go, Sir, everything you need to know!” except it’s not. It doesn’t get into enough detail. Taking the example of knifeplay above, I like to get teased up to the point of cutting, and once skin starts getting broken I want semi-permanent scars. The sound of a flipknife being opened is a wild turn-on. Carvings? Sure. Ownership marks? Well… let’s talk first. And so on and so forth.
Which I guess is the whole idea, negotiating things once they’re spoken… but then why have a list in the first place? If the idea is that it’s easier to put things in writing than in speech, my ‘checklist’ would be a novel. And while there is a (semi-serious) Trannysaurus User Manual with a few hints in it, discovering those things is half the fun. I’m at least patient enough to let the Captain play with sharp objects around me 😉
This is not to say that I don’t ever write things down as a way to be able to talk about them. But, I guess the checklist is a little cut-and-dry for my taste…
Which brings me to my second (third? maybe?) point: other kinds of lists. Since moving in with the Captain, I’ve been wandering around various D/S sites (a.k.a. D/s. I tend to capitalize acronyms) and reading articles about “What Make a Good Dom” and “How to Tell If You’re Submissive” and while it is fun to compare myself to all kinds of folks’s opinions it’s getting into a lot of meta-analysis of personalities and things that I thought I was done with. I know who and what I am (right now anyway). And the only real reason I know that I am submissive to the Captain’s dominance, masochist to his sadist, is that we tried it and we liked it and it works for us. I am happy. That’s the only justification I need.